by Ida Thien
Closure was
A privilege you couldn’t afford me
I can’t show you
At what point
Through the half-eaten apple and the
cockroaches
-
In and amongst the onions, the
porno and my head –
That I stopped.
I can tell you though,
Being a bigger person (and I know I failed
many times)
Was never easy
When you left me to fit myself between
The door and the shoe rack
And
I suppose that was how you left me
-
A step too far from home –
-
A step too near to none –
You could have,
Run your tongue over tangy bodies (and olive,
over mine; pale)
And I could have been satisfied
But you chose to leave some kind words
along the way
Laced with termites between the cracks
And this was how you took a smart girl
And made her a helpless sick
With nervous vomit over her pinafore
In the heat of the 2pm exam hall
The bit of the paper spared from the stench
-
Empty with stupid and shame-
You’d think
That my choice of themes and devices
Would suggest a restless soul
Caught in the replay of a mental reel
But the truth is
My evenings are quiet and spacious
With room for an oddly-cobbled dinner
And hours of endless videos on Youtube
Click
- how to win in a breakup-
Click - How you eat in public v how you eat at
home-
Click - Radio 1 Live lounge-
Here -
your imagined happiness,
That once consumed me in consistent ache
Now sits among the vomit-soaked paper
Where I ditched the pinafore
And walked out the door
To fashion closure as I saw fit